The Bay Head Beacon

With temperatures in the 90s and heat indexes well over 100, the shore area has been sweltering. The heatwave could extend into the coming week and, naturally, people are heading to the beach to seek some relief. What they didn't expect was that a trip to the beach could end up with them spontaneously combusting.  "This recent heatwave has created a surprising number of spontaneous human combustions," said Dr. Sonny Byrne, a professor of climatology at Stockton University. "This is usually extremely rare, but we have already had nine reports of people catching fire on New Jersey beaches."  Dr. Byrne explained that with the right combination of high temperature, bright sunlight, and certain flammable sunscreens, a person can catch fire. "We have found that some sunscreens have a very low flashpoint, which is the temperature at which substances catch fire. Some oil based ones can ignite at less than 100 degrees. For this reason, many brands of sunscreen are n...

After the recent Corrado's fiasco, area residents finally got some good retail news. Royal Farms, the popular purveyor of perfectly prepared poultry, has announced it will open its Brick store in July. Unfortunately, they will not be selling any chicken for the foreseeable future. "I am very happy to announce that after a long delay, Royal Farms of Brick will be officially opening its doors on July 21," said Royal Farms executive, Frita Poyo. She quickly added, "Just don't expect any fried chicken. Sorry." Although fried chicken is the Royal Farms claim to fame, the Brick location has run into a bit of a snag. Brick Township spokesperson, Annie Daynow, explained the problem. "When Royal Farms decided to open here several years ago, they applied for and received a chicken license. Unfortunately, since it took so long for them to open, their chicken license has expired. Now they have to go through the entire application process again." A chicken lice...

Canadian geese are considered beautiful by some. and invasive poop machines by others. Many towns have been grappling with how to deal with these large birds that can ruin open spaces by tearing up the grass and pooping copiously. Recently, Spring Lake was the subject of controversy when it was discovered that geese were being rounded up and euthanized. While poop haters were pleased to be rid of the geese, nature lovers were appalled. Nonetheless, most towns believe something has to be done to control the population of "poop birds." Bay Head resident, Jay Gosling, saw that geese were becoming a problem in his town. "The geese, bless their little hearts, are a menace. They've ruined our lawn, the backyard has so much goose poop that it looks like we own three huge dogs, and the public parks are a mess, too. Did you know that Canadian Geese drop up to one and a half pounds of poop every day! That's crazy and disgusting. It's lucky they don't poop much when...