EXCLUSIVE: Santa Cancels Christmas. Says "It's Too Dang Cold!"

Children everywhere will be saddened to learn that Santa Claus will not be coming this year. "I know the children will be disappointed, but have you seen the weather forecast? Right now, the North Pole is like the tropics compared to what's out there."

Old St. Nick is right about the weather. In the United States almost every area will be hit with rain or snow and bitter temperatures. Some places are expecting wind chills of 40 below zero.

"Do you have any idea how reindeer react to sub-zero temperatures?" Santa asked. "Let me tell you, it's not pretty. They can become so stiff that they can barely move. Their antlers will shatter if they bump into anything. And you can forget about flying. They can barely walk so don't expect them to get airborne."

"Even if I did get the sleigh up in the air, navigating will be almost impossible," Kris Kringle continued. "Just imagine flying through a blizzard in a giant, open vehicle. There's a point where even having a lead reindeer with a bizarre glowing nose does nothing to improve visibility. Then there's the problem of steering a sleigh through gale force winds when you're weighed down with toys for about 200 million kids. I just can't do it!"

Santa said this is the first time in over 1700 years that he won't be delivering toys but feels that he has no choice. "I'm doing the best I can to make arrangements with UPS and Amazon Prime to get toys delivered on time, but I'm just letting parents know that some things won't arrive until after the 25th. In the meantime, you might want to run to Walgreens and pick up some off brand Legos or generic dollies so your kids will have something to open on Christmas morning."

Santa will be making deliveries to some warm places. Hawaiian kids will wake up to find the usual Christmas surprises, but almost all the rest of the United States and most of Europe won't see Santa, or Father Christmas, as he is sometimes called. 

"If the weather improves at the last minute, things might change, but I can't make any promises. Perhaps, though, without a glut of toys from Santa, children will learn the true meaning of Christmas, which everyone knows is eating to excess. Merry Christmas everyone!"

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