Mysterious Utah Monolith Found in Point Pleasant; Gives Local Woman Super Powers

About two weeks ago, a strange, metallic monolith was discovered in a remote desert area in southeastern Utah. No one knew what it was or where it came from. Theories ranged from an eccentric artist creating the structure, to space aliens depositing it there for some unknown purpose. Whatever the origin, people were fascinated by this anomaly in the desert. Then, two nights ago, the monolith suddenly vanished. No one knew what had happened to the strange object... until now.

Early this morning, Basar Monolito, a custodian at Point Pleasant Borough High School, was stunned to find a ten foot tall, shiny monolith in the school's basement. "I had no idea what it could be," he said. "I thought maybe it was a science project, or something. I couldn't even guess how they got it down there." Monolito immediately went to ask Vice Principal Ecole Rektor what was going on. Vice Principal Rektor was as confused as Monolito.

"I recognized the monolith from the news," said Rektor, "But how it ended up in our basement was anyone's guess.

Rektor contacted the police, who in turn called the FBI. They have cordoned off the area until it can be investigated further. Rektor said she did manage to touch the monolith before the FBI came and reports that it was a life changing experience.

"I don't know if anyone else touched it or if they felt anything, but ever since I put my hand on it, I've just felt different somehow." Rektor said it started at lunch when she finished eating some fried chicken. "I was looking at the bones, and I just felt compelled to use one bone to smash the others. It was like some cosmic force was directing me to do it. Unfortunately Mr. Monolito wasn't too happy when he had to clean up the mess I made, but still, I felt different afterwards."

Rektor believes that touching the monolith has made her smarter. "I was able to finish my Jumble puzzle in less than five minutes! I remembered where I parked my car at the store. I could remember my son's number without looking it up! I also think I'm learning Spanish. The phrase 'Donde está la biblioteca' is stuck in my head. I don't know what it means, but I'm sure it's Spanish."

Rektor is a littler worried that the monolith has given her super-powers, and that they are continuing to grow. "With every passing hour, I find my mind expanding to new vistas. I suddenly know what an onside kick is. The movie 'Inception' finally makes sense. And ya know what? A watched pot does boil!"

She does not know what other powers the monolith may bestow upon her, but she is prepared for anything. "Perhaps I will have super strength, or be able to fly. I don't know yet. Maybe I will just wind up with the greatest mind the earth has ever known. Whatever form these gifts take, I promise to use my abilities only for the benefit of humanity, provided humanity stays in line and is appreciative."



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