Beacon Exclusive: Santa Claus Tells Us All His Secrets!


Santa Claus was kind enough to sit down with us and answer some questions about his "Christmas Magic."

BHB: Thank you for giving us a bit of your time, especially during your busy season. Do you prefer to be addressed as St. Nicholas?

Santa: Ho-ho-ho! Please call me Santa! And I'm a big fan of the Beacon! It's my pleasure to talk to you. Ho-ho-ho!

BHB: Santa, I imagine that you have millions of children asking for presents. How do you and your elves manage to produce so many toys?

Santa; Ho-ho-ho! This year we got requests from 13,073,211 children. The elves could never produce that many toys. Ho-ho-ho! These days the elf toy production is limited to specialty, handcrafted items. They still do some beautiful work. Ho-ho-ho! But that only accounts for about 7 percent of the toys we distribute. The rest of the toys, Barbies and video games and what not, we get through a series of agreements with toy manufactures worldwide. These toys are kept in a network of warehouses we have built at the North Pole which are all managed by an elf named Soso. She does an amazing job. It's quite an undertaking! Ho-ho-ho!

BHB: Wow! Over 10 million kids! And you're able to deliver all those toys in a flying sleigh? How is that possible? Christmas magic?

Santa: Ho-ho-ho! Of course it's Christmas magic! Ho-ho-ho! But you know, a famous author, Arthur C. Clarke, once said that any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic, and old Santa loves technology! Ho-ho-ho!

BHB: So you're saying it's actually technology that makes it possible for you to fly?

Santa: Yes! Christmas technology! Ho-ho-ho! You see, a very long time ago, some of the elves and I were trying to make a flying toy when an elf named Carluccio discovered a way to manipulate gravity. His invention allows us to levitate the sleigh and create a surrounding gravitational field to support the reindeer. Ho-ho-ho! We can then create a gravity slip-stream in front of us that the reindeer pull the sleigh through. And of course, my deer aren't your ordinary reindeer. Ho-ho-ho!

BHB: Yes, we've all heard about your reindeer. Are those really their names and is there really a Rudolph?

Santa: Ho-ho-ho! Yes those are really the names of my reindeer! Dasher and Dancer and so on. In the early days, we actually delivered the toys in a sleigh, on the ground. I only had two reindeer back then. But as my deliveries expanded, I needed smarter, stronger deer so the elves and I started an intensive reindeer breeding program. Ho-ho-ho! The reindeer we have now are some of the most powerful and intelligent animals in the world! Ho-ho-ho!

BHB: So Rudolph was also a product of breeding?

Santa: Well... ho-ho-ho... no. About 100 years ago, one of the elves thought it would be a good idea to do some gene manipulation to improve the reindeer even more. He thought if he mixed the DNA of a luminescent jellyfish with a reindeer he could create a deer that glowed. The elf had good intentions, but I stopped him immediately when I learned what he was doing. Santa doesn't really approve of genetic engineering. Ho-ho-ho! The only result of the experiments was Rudolph who ended up with the glowing nose. He's a wonderful reindeer and we haven't let his "gift" go to waste. He really lights up the slip-stream! Ho-ho-ho!

BHB: This is all fascinating. I see how you can acquire all the toys and how you can fly, but I don't understand how you can make all the deliveries in one night. Is that Christmas magic?

Santa: Ho-ho-ho! Of course that's Christmas magic! That and manipulation of time and space. Ho-ho-ho! You see, gravity and time are very closely related. Time passes more slowly closer to a stronger gravity source like a black hole. Ho-ho-ho! Mrs. Claus, who has an advanced degree in physics,  realized that since we could control gravity, it was only a short step to controlling time. Essentially, old Santa is able to exist in the fourth dimension of time which means I can do things that are beyond the perception of those who exist in the third dimension. So try as they might, the kids will never catch old Santa. Although I do let them see me eating a cookie once in a while. Ho-ho-ho!

BHB: But it still seems impossible that you can carry all of those toys on one sleigh.

Santa: Oh, that's just another type of magic! Ho-ho-ho! Since I can manipulate time, I can also manipulate space. My toy sack may look like a regular size bag, but inside, there is an extradimensional pocket of space with a tremendous warehouse. When I reach in there, an elf hands me exactly what I need. It's kind of like the Tardis on Dr. Who. Ho-ho-ho! Santa loves that show.

BHB: I have to say, everything you told me is almost more amazing than when I thought it was magic. Do you have any other surprises you are working on for the future?

Santa: Ho-ho-ho! Funny you should ask but Mrs. Claus and the elves are working very hard on a new project. When we were doing some experiments with the gravitational fields, we discovered that we could create an artificial singularity. You might think of it as a black hole. Ho-ho-ho! We believe we should be able to use the singularity to create a wormhole so we can instantly travel to other star systems. Right after Christmas we will be sending an automated probe to Proxima Centauri to see if there is any intelligent life. The journey there and back should only take about five minutes in real time. Ho-ho-ho!

BHB: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Santa: I think you mean Ho-ho-ho!

BHB: No, I meant hang on. You have developed interstellar travel?! Why do you want to go to other planets?

Santa: Ho-ho-ho! Santa loves outer space! And we are hoping that we might encounter some alien children who would love some Christmas presents. Ho-ho-ho! Because, frankly, I don't care if you're a five year old from Bay Head or a squid-like child from the other side of the galaxy, who doesn't love a nice set of Legos?! Ho-ho-ho!

BHB: But Santa, you have all this amazing technology... don't you think you should share it with the world?

Santa: Are you kidding? Ho-ho-ho! Have you looked at the world lately? There's a lot of naughty people out there. Do you really think they could be trusted? No-no-no! Ho-ho-ho! For now, the best use of our technology is to make children happy! Ho-ho-ho!

BHB: Well, Santa, this is all quite extraordinary, but I think I've taken up enough of your time...

Santa: Don't be silly! Ho-ho-ho! Time is irrelevant to old Santa. While we were talking here, I ate lunch at home, worked on some sleigh repairs, took a nap, and watched an episode of Knots Landing on DVD. When you can control the fourth dimension, you can really get a lot done! Ho-ho-ho!

BHB: Anything else you would like to say to our readers?

Santa: Of course! Ho-ho-ho! Merry Christmas to all! And to all, don't count on getting those new PlayStation 5s this year. Sorry, but even Santa couldn't get his hands on those things. Ho-ho-ho!

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