Thanksgiving Turkey On the Run After Pardon Denied

Many years ago, one of the Presidents, maybe Truman or Kennedy, started pardoning Thanksgiving turkeys. These lucky birds would end up in a petting zoo or friendly farm instead of on a platter covered in gravy. Over the years, other local governments, including Point Pleasant Borough, have adopted the tradition. In a ceremony at city hall that kicks off the holiday season, the mayor pardons one bird that would otherwise get cooked and eaten. This year, things didn't go as planned.

"After careful consideration, the mayor and council have decided to deny a pardon to Tony the Turkey," said assistant to the mayor Holden DeLine. "Tony has been a particularly naughty turkey and does not deserve a pardon. Instead, a pardon will be granted to very well-behaved turkey named Kate." 

Somehow, Tony must have realized that his pardon would not be granted because early this morning he escaped. "When the time came for the turkey to be prepped for the Thanksgiving dinner, he was not in his cell," said DeLine. "Instead, a tofu turkey was found in Tony's pen. He also made an escape tunnel like something out of Shawshank."

Tony the Turkey is still on the loose. Anyone who spots the wayward Turkey is encouraged to contact Point Borough police immediately so they can pre-heat the oven.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

"Express" Federal Prison to Open in Point Beach

Image
On the corner of Arnold Ave. and River Ave, in Point Pleasant Beach is an empty building known as Arnold Hall.  The old building has been without tenants for quite a while, but now someone is finally moving in. It may be somewhat of a shock to learn that the building will be used as a federal prison. "It will actually be a what is called an 'express' federal prison," said Warden Shawn Shank. "It will be a small prison used to temporarily hold prisoners, usually when they are being transported for some reason."  Warden Shank explained that Point Pleasant was the perfect location. "You have a train station, easy access to multiple airports, and it's close to major highways. We can even bring in fugitives by boat if we have to." Warden Shank will be running the small prison with Director Red Emption. Together, Shawn Shank, Red Emption, and a few corrections officers will oversee up to 8 prisoners. "Our aim is to make this a model penal instit
Read more

Former NY Giant Tommy DeVito Will Be At Livoti's Grand Opening

Image
After what seems like forever, Brick is finally getting an Italian grocery store. When Corrado's dropped the ball, Livoti's Old World Market stepped in to pick it up and run with it. The grand opening of Livoti's in Brick on March 7 promises to be a big event with plenty of food and fun for everyone.  For those who are fans of Italian food, and Italian quarterbacks, there's a good chance they may see former NY Giants quarterback Tommy "Cutlets" DeVito. DeVito's agent, Sean Stellato, made the arrangements for his client to be at Livoti's on opening day. "Ya know, everybody loves Tommy 'Cutlets'. After his three and a half game career with the Giants, Tommy became a superstar," said Stellato. "I been gettin' offers all over the place, Corrado's was beggin' him to come, but Tommy said no way. He told me, it was Livoti's or nothin'!" Macon Pastah, the general manager of Livoti's, had nothing but praise fo
Read more

Nude Beachgoers Take Nude Polar Bear Plunge on Point Pleasant Nude Beach... Nude

Image
Frigid ocean water did not deter nude beachgoers from jumping waves in the nude for a nude charity. A group of about thirty nude people and a few nude dogs gathered on Point Pleasant's nude beach to take a nude "Polar Bear Plunge" this weekend. A Polar Bear Plunge is an event where beachgoers will run into chilly ocean waters in order to raise money for a good cause. The difference with the Point Pleasant nude event is that no one wore any swimwear when they hit the nude beach. Organizer and nude enthusiast, Bertha Daye-Suit, said the day was a great nude success. "What a wonderful nude day for anyone who enjoys running nude into icy water! Plus, we raised a lot of money for a great nude cause while being nude!" The nude swimmers collected over $2,000 for Nude Americans Keeping Everything Decent (NAKED). "The purpose of NAKED is to raise awareness that there is nothing indecent about being nude," said 78-year-old Bertha Daye-Suit, as she stood nude on
Read more

Battleship New Jersey Gets Stuck In Point Pleasant Canal

Image
The Battleship New Jersey, the most decorated ship in United States Naval history, is stuck in the Point Pleasant Canal. For the past 19 years, the retired Battleship New Jersey has been a museum in Camden. Unfortunately, current economic difficulties forced the museum to close temporarily. Since the docking fees in Camden are extremely costly, the museum's management wanted to find a less expensive alternative. Retired Naval Commander Jonah " Skipper " Schiff, a Point Pleasant native, thought that a dock on the Manasquan River would make a great temporary home. Things just didn't go as planned. "It was just a slight miscalculation," explains Commander Schiff. "Our plan had been to bring the great lady up the coast and straight into the Manasquan River. Our weather expert, Professor Storm Vento and his assistant, Finn Marian, predicted smooth sailing, but the Professor and Marian were wrong,  A nor'easter came up from the sou'west." The un
Read more

Point Pleasant Boro Girl Wins Largest Stanley Bottle Ever Made

Image
Hydration is extremely important for everyone, and no one knows this better than the Stanley Water Bottle Company. Stanley went from being the bottle of choice for hunters and campers, to being the most important status symbol for America's teens and tween girls. These oversized bottles with their germ-exposed straws and internal lead seals, are practically required if a schoolgirl expects to have any sort of social life. That's why every girl in America is jealous of 11-year-old Kara Boutstatus, winner of the largest water bottle ever made by Stanley. "I'm not that surprised I won," says young Kara. "The way the contest worked was that the more bottles you own, the more chances you have to win, and I have, like 173 bottles, not counting the new one." Kara's family has devoted a large part of their kitchen to the storage of their daughter's bottles.  "People might say we indulge our daughter too much," says Mrs. Ima Boutstatus. "Bu
Read more

Giant Horseshoe Crab Caught Off of Bay Head

Image
When Dr. Sandy Benthic of the Rutgers D epartment of  Marine  and Coastal Sciences saw the specimen she was speechless . "I had never seen anything so beautiful in my life," Dr. Benthic said. Most people may not consider horseshoe crabs beautiful, but Dr. Benthic, who has been studying them for her entire career, believes that beauty is more than shell-deep. "Limulus Polyphemus (the technical name of horseshoe crabs) is a living fossil. They date back about 450 million years. Absolutely  remarkable animals. But what we have here is even more amazing. I never thought I would see such a well preserved  Limulus Polyphemus Gigantus! And it's 47 feet long!" Limulus Polyphemus Gigantus is the Latin term for the Giant Horseshoe Crab. Unlike their near-shore cousins we are used to seeing, Giant Horseshoe Crabs make their home at the bottom of the deep ocean where they burrow into the sand and can grow to be over 50 feet long. Researchers have rarely seen them and very f
Read more

Naked People Enjoy First July 4 on Point Pleasant Nude Beach

Image
About two months ago, Point Pleasant Beach opened part of its beach to nude sunbathers. It has proven to be a great success. Naked people from far and wide have been coming to Point Pleasant to worship the sun without bathing suits. This 4th of July weekend has been especially meaningful for the nudists. "I've been working on this beach since it opened," said Officer Sunny Buhnz of the Point Pleasant Police, "and I can tell you that most of the people who come here really appreciate their freedom to be naked." Officer Buhnz has gotten to know many of the regulars at the nude beach. "They're just normal everyday people who don't embarrass easily. The interesting thing is that almost all of the folks who come here seem to be senior citizens, which I guess makes sense. Point Beach has always been a family place, and a lot of these people have been coming here since they were kids, only now they're coming with no clothes on." The nude beach vis
Read more

98-Year-Old Mantoloking Resident Recalls Working with Oppenheimer on A-Bomb

Image
With the success of the Oscar winning film, Oppenheimer, a new generation has become familiar with the Manhattan Project and the efforts to create the first atomic bomb. The most brilliant minds in America gathered in Los Alamos, New Mexico and created the weapon that they believed would bring an end to World War II. It was hard work and very serious business, but one scientist managed to bring a lighter side to the project. He was a twenty-two-year-old graduate student from the University of Chicago named Adam Bahm.  "I wasn't the greatest physicist," says Bahm. "I was probably the dumbest guy at Los Alamos, but Enrico Fermi, the genius scientist, wanted me there because he said I made him laugh. He told me, 'if I gotta work with Oppenheimer, I'm gonna need a wisenheimer.' Fermi warned me that Oppenheimer was kind of grim, and it was true. He really took the fun out of making weapons of mass destruction." Bahm delighted in teasing Oppenheimer. He s
Read more

Point Pleasant Approves First Nude Beach

Image
Point Pleasant Beach has decided to allow nude sunbathing in a designated area of the beach. Advocates of being naked hail this move as a great stride forward for those who either can't afford swimwear or who cannot abide the discomfort of wearing any clothes. Council member, Eve Desnuda, has been the driving force behind the nude beach initative, "I just went to the council with my proposal and showed 'em what I got," said Desnuda. "I just laid bare the advantages of having a section of beach designated for those who wish to exercise their right to assemble without clothing and who want to enjoy the freedom of an all-over tan. By opening up to this underserved population, we should actually increase tourism." Some details are still being worked out, but Desnuda promises that all will be revealed in due time. "For now, some things are still under wraps, but you can expect full disclosure as we get closer to the start of the season." The beach will
Read more

Price Gouging for Eclipse Glasses Tops $500

Image
Excitement has hit a fever pitch as everyone waits for the Moon to pass between the sun and Earth.  Although this actually happens every single month, today will be an eclipse, meaning we will be in the dark shadow of the moon for a little while. In the past, people might descend into madness as the day unexpectedly would turn to night. For us, the madness has come in the form of desperation to get protective glasses. People are reporting that eclipse glasses are selling for $500 or more. Brielle resident, Lou Kinnup, says he paid $1800 for five pairs of protective glasses. "I wish I had gone to the library sooner when they were giving out free glasses, but I totally forgot," says Kinnup. "I didn't see that I had any choice. I didn't want my wife and kids and dog to miss this thrice in a lifetime event." Officer Pat Youdown of the Brick Police Department advises everyone to avoid buying eclipse glasses from price gougers. "I advise everyone to avoid bu
Read more